Can't You See Me Standing Right Here
by Vardonir
Summary: CODA: Janeway never found out why she watched over the crew after her "death." J/C.


I watched as you knelt beside a red-clad Starfleet officer in the middle of the storm. I look closer, and see that you are kneeling right next to me.

But that can't be.

I'm right here.

"Don't you die on me, Kathryn!" you cry out as you perform CPR. I can hear your voice. It's not the voice of the Captain of an opposing ship who was forced to join his enemy's crew. It's not the voice of a concerned friend. It's the voice of a man desperately doing what he can to bring back a loved one. "Start breathing!"

Recovering from my shock, I ask, "Chakotay, what's happening?"

You don't reply. I move closer.

"Start breathing! Breathe, dammit, breathe! Don't do this to me, Kathryn. Come on, Kathryn, breathe."

I don't know how to get your attention.

"Can't you hear me?" I ask.

I'm right here.

You keep performing CPR. You shake. You're giving up. You keep asking her – me? – to breathe. You pick up the body in your arms.

You've never done that. Have you always wanted to?

"Kathryn!"

Your voice drops. In the faint light from the sky, I can see as your arms shake, holding her body.

"You can't die."

You hold the body for a little longer.

I move closer to you. You remain ignorant of my presence; I try to touch you, but my hand simply passes through your shoulder. "Chakotay, I'm here."

Your combadge chirps; you slowly place her body back to the ground.

"Voyager to Sacajawea," Tuvok begins. "Do you read us?"

"Yes, Voyager," in your panic, you don't reply in the standard manner. "How far are you? I have an emergency here."

"We're in orbit, Commander. We've located you but transporters won't function in the storm. A shuttle is on it's way to the surface now."

"The Captain's dead," you reply. I realize that you've been calling her 'Kathryn' the entire time. But you shouldn't; we're on duty, you should've been calling me 'Captain.' Or, in your panic, you've forgotten about protocol, just like your erratic CPR? "We have to get her back to sickbay. The Doctor may still be able to revive her." In the faint lightning, I see your tear-stained cheeks.

"The away team should be with you in minutes," Tuvok replies over the com.

"Acknowledged," you reply.

"I know you can't see me or hear me," I say to you. "I don't know what's going on, but I am here Chakotay.

"I'm not dead."

You hold my hand close to your chest. "Kathryn, we're going to get you back."

* * *

The Doctor declared me dead. He asked Kes to prepare the autopsy protocols. I try to follow her – after all, she's a telepath; she can sense things that are out of place.

I try to block her path; instead she passes right through me. She looks back. "Captain?"

But she walks on, thinking that it was nothing.

"Did you feel that, Kes? It was me," I say, following you down the corridor.

"Kes to Commander Chakotay," she taps her combadge. "I need to talk to you right away."

I want to ask, 'why him?' They weren't particularly close; if anything else, I expected that she'd contact the Doctor.

Chakotay doesn't reply immediately. After a few moments, Kes receives a response. "Meet me in my office after twenty minutes." He sounded as if he were choking the words out.

Kes heads to Chakotay's office at Deck 3, and waits there.

The Commander wasn't there yet.

* * *

I head to his quarters, as I simply pass through the doors. I watch as you emerge from the bedroom area, holding your medicine bundle while walking in trance-like steps. Even in the darkness of your quarters, I see your bloodshot eyes.

You've been crying. Why? For me? Because I'm dead?

I watch as you open your bundle, as you seat cross-legged at the deck. You haven't even changed uniform.

_A-koo-chee-moya. I am far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. I am far from the bones of my people. But I ask, on this day, that the Spirits guide me to the astral plane, as I search for the soul of Kathryn Janeway._

You're looking for me?

Why? I'm right here.

I watch you. Your hands keep on shaking. I can see that you can't keep your fingers on the surface of the akoonah.

You drop the stone. You're unable to go into a vision quest.

You stand, and turn around. To my direction.

Are you still on the vision quest?

You hold up your arms. To my direction.

"Kathryn?"

Your hand drops. You close your eyes and blink. Fresh tears roll from your eyes again. You drop to the ground, kneeling, crying.

"Kathryn..."

I follow you as you walk towards Sickbay.

On your way there, everyone avoided you. They moved out of your path; even as you enter Sickbay, the Doctor retreats to his office as you enter.

You find a chair, and sit right next to the main biobed. Her – _that_ Kathryn – body is still there; not yet transferred to the morgue.

You hold her right hand in your left; your right hand at her cheek.

"Why did you have to leave me, Kathryn?" You ask. "Why did you have to go to that damn mission?" You hold her hand close to your own cheek. More tears even flow from your eyes.

"I never even told you...

"That I love you."

You remain quiet. Your violent sobs slow down.

You stand, take her combadge and rank pips, and leave. You return to your quarters; I still remain at your side, and add the items to your medicine bundle.

* * *

The senior staff listens as Kes explains what she felt.

They try to bring her – me? Kathryn? – back.

But they give up. They believe they failed me. And you.

They release the torpedo casing containing my body – nobody never noticed the missing badge and pips – to the sun of the planet where Sacajawea crashed.

During the memorial, Harry and B'Elanna spoke.

But you couldn't.

* * *

It's been twenty years since I died.

I never found out what I was doing onboard Voyager. I never believed in life after death, but it appears that it is true.

Commander Chakotay – you refused to be called "Captain" – remained as the Acting Captain of the ship.

Through a friendly alien species, Voyager returned to the Alpha Quadrant. Families were already built onboard the ship, but you didn't. There were females of other species who were attracted to you, but you refused them. Whenever there were battles, you led the ship bravely. You led every single dangerous away mission. Within the lower decks, you've gained the title "Death Seeker."

Some believed that you wanted to die to follow me in the afterlife.

As soon as Voyager entered Sector 001...

_A-koo-chee-moya. I am far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. I am far from the bones of my people. But I ask, on this day, that the Spirits guide me to the astral plane, as leave my physical body and search for the soul of Kathryn Janeway._

You stab your heart with a dagger.

The crew finds you dead.

You've committed suicide. To look for me in this afterlife.

But you never found me.

I'm right here.

_I've told you the legend of the Angry Warrior, Kathryn. But I never told you its resolution. _

_The woman warrior's life is taken from the arms of the angry warrior. His love untold, he completes her quest to take her tribe home._

_He believes her soul exists in the astral plane, but can't find it; so, he sheds his corporeal body to search for hers and join her for eternity._

* * *

**Author's Note**: The title was lifted from the lyrics of X Japan's _I.V._ "Death Seeker" is a title of another character from _Final Fantasy X-2_.


End file.
